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[S a p h i r e *]

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D a r k e n e d A n g e l

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I shall laugh at my pitiful fate,
Because I never had the courage,
To say that I loved you.
To say that my tears fell for you.

Oh how badly she wanted to believe his words, to believe that it was really that simple. She felt like laughing again but she could feel no humor in her heart. Ha, she wasn't supposed to feel anything. How many times had she told herself that? She could maybe laugh at that thought, the fact that she just couldn't seem to be able to keep things locked away safely in her little corner. She had been able to before, what had changed? Too many things had changed. Much too many things.

She glanced around briefly at anything that wasn't everything, not that it was possible to not look at anything while her gaze wandered. It was just something to keep her mind occupied so that she wouldn't muster up an apology and maybe fall into the fridgid water that ran beneath her paws. She would let the current pull her away and guide her as it pleased, she wouldn't have to worry about descisions, she could just fade away and be part of the moving water. The water that always changed.

To love someone else. The thought scared her almost as much as comming out of her shell and being someone else did. Frustration nagged in the back of her mind and she stubbornly pushed it aside, knowing very well what it wanted. And to be able to find new love in others, you must let the past be history. Darkened Angel said softly, almost like a whisper, since she was scared that her voice would be cracked and uneven. She despretly wanted a distraction, anything that would make these strange words and thoughts disapear. And to love, you must not be afraid. The black she-cat shut her eyes tightly together, letting the tip of her tail quiver slightly in substitue of tears. Tears were like water, and she didn't want to be like water. Then why and where were all these answers and questions comming from? Why could no one understand?

To say that you saw me differently,
And that you actually seemed to love me.
But then I remember,
That it's all a lie.
And I start laughing again,
Pleading to let myself die.

[Dying Eagle]

- | D y i n g - E a g l e | -
- | What is in fear, that makes it so...feared? | -

He could hear her mew, but he really wasn't paying attention to them enough to listen intently so he could hear. Questions kept popping into his head and he kept searching for answers in his head. Why was he so afraid of the tunnels? Wouldn't he want to be where he had last seen seen her? Why did he fear being close to others, when it could in fact, heal him? Why did he choose to turn his back on a life in which he could really become a new cat with a new purpose. Since he was born, what had he thought his purpose had been? To fall in love with Calling Birds and end his life there? He shook his head, trying to clear his mind of these unneeded thoughts and so he could think straight. Though...no matter how much he thought, he could not think of anything that would be even a mouse-length close to an answer of any of the questions...

Are there any answers to be found, or are they just the open ended questions I have yet to fill? If that was it, if he was suppose to fill in the blanks himself, he had a long ways to go. Well, at least one of them he could at least start about filling in now. What is my purpose now? That answer had already been given to him in a certain way by the former leader. Since the death of his parents, the former leader had become a father to him. The leader had given him an outlook as to his future when he retired and gave the position to Dying Eagle. One part of his purpose, Eagle supposed, was to lead the Ancients during the crisis that they faced. However, as long as he thought about it, that only seemed like a small fraction of what he was suppose to make of his life. There was something in him that seemed to be telling him there was more to his life.

His ears flicked as he heard Darkened Angel mew again, but this time he heard her words, "And to love, you must not be afraid." Fear. It was only an emotion on the inside of a cat and yet it was so powerful. Anger and fear could shatter loyalty, happiness, and love all so easily that it made them seem like ice when it first formed on the water's top. So then, that it could break with the wright it held with a cat...and when it breaks, that cat falls into the water below either drowning or dying from the cold that follows. You let those lighter feelings die under the fear and anger...then you die without even really noticing it. "Fear...there is so much in it, that it makes you understand why we fear fear itself," he mewed to himself softly, unsure and uncaring if Darkened Angel overheard.

ooc: Sorry this is bad.

[S a p h i r e *]

Darkened Angel crouched tighter together, just a slight movement that brought her some comfort in this whole thing. The words choked and died out in her throat as she tried answering. But how can you not be afraid of fear? How is it possible to go everyday without fearing something, no matter what it was. Those were the words she wanted to hiss at her leader, to make him understand that it was so much more complicated for her. A forced and sad smile touched her lips and she shook he head once.

No, no one can ever understand fear, Dying Eagle. she choked out with a small laugh. There is was, that laugh that sounded so miserable and pitiful that it sounded more like a sob. But no, it was very dry in that sense, no point in crying. There was no point in crying anymore...

She feared anything that scared her, and what scared her made her angry. What made her angry only made her recede deeper into her mind and to deny everyone around her. She wanted someone to love her, but the thought still scared her and it always caused her glowing eyes to drain of warmth and to look away whenever someone paid attention to her. This was why this moment was so hard for her, every ounce in her body, except for her heart, told her that this was not a good place to be. No one will ever understand. Darkened Angel stood and hesitated in her steps. She glanced quickly at the tom by her side. I- her voice cracked again and she stared at her leader with a hurt and desperate gaze. Would he care?

[Dying Eagle]

Dying Eagle could hear the Sharpclaw laugh as she mewed the words, and it saddened him a bit to do so. The laugh seemed...fake in a way, like it hurt her to do so. For some reason, his heart seemed to weaken as it had happened, but he didn't let his mind rest on trying to figure out why. Sure, he had been the one to say that they should try to move on, but part of him still didn't want to take that advice, part of him didn't want to move on...part of him wanted to be stubborn...part of him didn't want to let go of Calling Birds. Is that so wrong? Why should I want to give her up? Giving her up would be like giving up with will of living...but still...I can move on without giving her up entirely...can't I? He didn't like all these questions popping into his head. The more questions that came to his mind meant the more answers he had to discover...and that was a pain at times.

Her words stuck in his head. Why can't we understand it...I know it's a long shot, but still..., but the more he thought about it, the more he realized she was right. No living cat could understand fear and when you were dead...well, you might understand it but no one wold ever know the truth because no cat knew what happened when they died. Did they just vanish and they didn't even see for themselves, or did the stalk the cats living still, but that they couldn't be seen? He had heard cats who believed that the spirits of dead cats lived in the sky, but as Dying Eagle looked up at the big blue expanse of nothing, he couldn't believe that. The only animals that could possibly live up there were the birds that flew with the wind on their wings...they were the only animals who belonged up there, soaring through the skies as if nothing else mattered...I wonder what it would be like...

However, before he could answer that silent though, I heard Darkened Angel speak again, but just barely. He could hear pain in her voice and wondered what was the matter. He took another step closer to her and was about to put his tail on hers, but instead let it rest out behind him, thinking it might back the black she-cat feel uncomfortable. His ears flicked backwards and he turned his gaze onto her, looking into her own eyes. There was something in them that sent a chill down his spine...was it...loneliness? He couldn't tell and that made him feel bad. Getting himself together, he asked, "What's wrong, Darkened Angel?" His voice was filled with worry and he didn't even care. For some strange reason he couldn't understand yet, he did not want to see this she-cat feel so...darkened...so alone...so....scared.

[S a p h i r e *]

The black she-cat kept her eyes on the tom, feeling the familiar feeling of with drawl coming near. It was so comforting, so lulling and familiar, but yet it struck shock through her. It was like a purring predator, beckoning with lovely eyes and soothing words. A predator who wanted to dig its claws into you and take control of whatever you thought was yourself. The thing that wanted to make her something that she didn't want to be. But it was so easy to just submit to this feeling, to let it pull her in and to let it swallow her up fully and submerge her in emptiness. Here, in this utterly lonely and much-to familiar place, she didn't have to care about anything. Here she could just let the predator take control and steer her away from the situation. Away from what she wanted but knew she couldn't have.

Away from everything that she thought had mattered. Away from life. No, away from everything that she wanted to matter but it didn't. Nothing mattered to her, remember? Nothing was supposed to ever matter to her, ever. Darkened Angel still kept those burning orbs trained on her leader, on the tom that stood in front of her with his own problems and doubts. She could see it written so clearly on him, as though he was a book open for reading. She could see the pain that clouded everything, almost as though it was waving at her own fog of pain and nothingness. As he took a step toward her, she could see that he was trying to understand her words. But he probably wouldn't get it. She was after all speaking nonsense. She didn't even know if the words made sense to her. As her leader neared her, she suddenly had the impulse to feel contact. Anything that might signify that she was more then an empty shell filled with swirling emotions. That she was actually a cat with working limbs and a beating heart.

And then that voice. It sounded so...worried. Almost like he cared. But that was silly, no one cared about Darkened Angel. No one should care, she was just another cat in their lives who was probably always in the way. She was never useful to others. Everyone thinks it's so stupid that I never even try to talk to others. They think of me as a freak and someone who shouldn't be here. But they don't know what it's like to lose everyone you loved, to lose everything that might mean something to you. My family was the only thing keeping me together. And when I lost them, it was like I lost myself inside feelings of loneliness and despair. No one understands. No one. Darkened Angel spoke quickly, her eyes focusing on something in the distance that probably didn't exist. She spoke the thoughts that wandered into her mind. Anything. She barely registered that she had finished speaking. She barely noticed that she had even said anything. She looked up upon Dying Eagle once more and flattened her ears slightly against her head as she felt the tears once more threatening.

[Dying Eagle]

Those words....They pierced Dying Eagle like a claw digging into his stomach. They sounded just like something he would have thought, but never had said. They reminded him how devastated he really was when his best friend died and how he seemed to isolate himself from the outside world...never caring about anyone anywhere and how everything in his life seemed to crumble to a patch of nothing after the death of his family. He forced himself to look away, to gaze at the ground, not wanting the she-cat to see the pain that struck him with her words. Memories were one of the biggest things he feared in life and that is why he always chose not to go places where they could awaken from inside of him. Where the could go from a dominant thing he referred to as a way to remind him of the past to something that was alive with a vengeance that wanted to see him dead as well. It was all too much, and he felt like he couldn't stand it anymore...just like back then.

Looking out at the lake, he remembered how life back then had been a chore...how he had come to this very spot, went to the edge of the water, and thought about jumping in never to come back up. He remembered how he wanted to go straight up to a two-leg and have them do something else with him, not matter what it was. There were so many things he wanted to do back then...nothing was pleasant. He opened his mouth and started speaking, "You...," until he remembered what he was and heard his voice crack with anguish he felt in his heart. With a small sniff and a deep breath, he tried again. "You probably won't believe me with this statement, but I can understand where you come from." The only reason, he felt, that cats respected him back then was because of the fact that the leader before him had. The leader had become a second father to him and that really meant a lot to the cat...even though he never understood how much tell after...well, after his time let's put it.

After another pause, Dying Eagle tried to recompose his figure before turning to look back at the black she-cat and continued, "The only reason I'm still here, still intact...still in one piece was the leader before me. After he retired and gave me the position...I felt like I had a small reason worth living in this place." He gave another pause. This was a hard thing for him to do, to admit things that he could barely admit to himself in his own thoughts. "All the cats I had felt any love towards had died and I felt like I was dying as well, but with that one, big gesture, I felt like he was giving me a chance to redeem myself and to help serve others in a way that I could not do before, so that I could help others who are in a position I was, and still for a little bit, still am in." He forced his gaze down to his paws, afraid of what Darkened Angel would say in response. Would she be happy, upset, or angry? He could not tell.

[S a p h i r e *]

Her throat closed up and her whiskers quivered slightly as she listened to the leaders words. No, he couldn't understand. He wasn't allowed to, she wouldn't bear the thought of another feeling the same pain that she went through every single day. It was wrong, painstakingly wrong and Angel knew what a big hypocrite she was for thinking this way. She forced down a gulp and closed her eyes briefly to bat away the lurking tears that were just waiting to fall and adorn the ground in front of her. No emotion. No emotion. No feeling. Nothing like that, nothing that even resembled that. No compassion for another being, it would just end in more pain.

But her conscience was crying out with tears streaming down her face that she should reach out and comfort the leader, to share in the same pain that she went through every day. So that they could heal, heal together. No. No healing, no feeling, no comforting. Just Darkened Angel and her shell, nothing else. The black she-cat quickly copied her leader and let her eyes fall onto the ground were they rested like broken wings on a soaring bird. A black bird in a world full of gray, that's was she was. And then there were those other birds, the ones with flickering white lights that occasionally were stumbled upon. Birds like Dying Eagle. Someone who understood. I'm sorry, she whispered ever so faintly, the words being ripped from her throat and onto the wind where they traveled to whatever ears might be listening. She kept her eyes on the ground.

Her heart hurt as she sat there motionless, in the same position as the tom across from her. His size was much larger then hers, but his muscular shape was a comforting presence nearby, something that Angel hadn't had for a while. Was she saying sorry to Eagle, feeling compassion in his troubles. Or was she trying to apologize to herself, to tell herself that it was alright to hurt and be sad, life went on. The thought of doing it alone scared her though. I'm sure there are plenty of others out there who already love you because of who you are, Darkened Angel continued in her soft voice, still keeping orbs trained on the bridge. Maybe someone like me? she thought to herself carefully. But you know that you can depend on others, you are after all their leader and they look up to you. No one would love me. Why should they? The she-cat shut her eyes hard as liquid finally squeezed its way through and onto her black pelt. She held her breath, blinking rapidly in hope of dissolving the tear. She let out a small sigh as the urge to cry passed and the tear melted into her fur, as though it had never been there. She still looked down upon the earth. Why would they?

[Dying Eagle]

"Sorry..."

I was one little word, one little piece of emotion and yet it had so many meanings in so many situations in so many ways that it wasn't even funny. Sorry was the most powerful word in the world, for saying once to someone could relieve a bunch of feelings that had been stored up for some moons. Sorry, could turn an enemy to a friend. Sorry could allow a bird fly again after another bumped it out of the sky and into a bush. Sorry could do so many things, but among helping a situation it could also ruin it, damaging something beyond repair and making it worse than ever before. Sorry could be a pardon for not wanting to talk about something due to one's feelings. It could mean that one was sorry for hating another, but not in a sincere way. It was powerful, but it was often abused and over used. Today, you could never know what a sorry meant for sure, and right now Dying Eagle was not sure what Darkened Angel was trying to say. It is just too much for one such as himself to think about. Was that sorry she murmured suppose top be a happy one, a forgiving one, or one of denial? He couldn't say.

He shook his head. She doesn't understand. She doesn't see what she is worth. She said that there were others that loved him, because he was their leader. What she didn't understand was that he never really wanted to be leader. He never thought of himself in the spot he was in today. He was never really thinking that he thought of himself as a leader, not even today. Not even these days. Even though he had said that he agreed to take the spot due to trying to help others, he felt like he was failing at it. He was afraid of the Tunnels so much that he never even went there anymore to watch the CiT exit out of it. He never wanted to be there with the other Ancients when they found out if a cat was never coming back out again. Every time he did manage to go to the tunnels. just to see if he could, he feels a pain in his chest and it almost seems like he is going to suffocate...just thinking about it made him choke out with deep gasps of air. He looked up at Darkened Angel, wondering if she had heard them. He took a deep breath and took a step forward.

"You ask why anyone would love you..." he paused for a moment, searching for the right words. "Because you do not see your worth. Everyone has some love, everyone has someone to love...whether they realize it or not. You talk as if everyone runs when they see you, but you don't realize something..." He smiled at her and looked up at the sky, taking a moment to think the next words he was dedicated to say, just to push the moment out, to make sure she had enough time to digest his last words before he continued, "You don't see me running." He looked down from the blue sky where he had seen a big bird flying-one he guessed was an eagle or a hawk-and looked back at the black she-cat. The sun was going down and with the sun's rays from the horizon shinning on her pelt, it almost seemed to have a nice glow about it that made him think about her figure in a different way...in a happier way. The sun almost seemed to give her a more confident look.